Why Are You Getting Married?

This summer, I am reading through a book with my small group called The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller.  It has been an engaging read so far, and interestingly, I think it has been applicable for the single and perhaps very revealing for the married.  Hopefully that means, the single will be more prepared and the married will be solving problems...today.

I thought I would just quote this passage from the book, as I think it is quite insighful.

In Western culture today, you decide to get married because you feel an attraction to the other person.  You think he or she is wonderful.  But a year or two later--or, just as often, a month or two--three things usually happen.  First, you begin to find out how selfish this wonderful person is.  Second, you discover that the wonderful person has been going through a similar experience and he or she begins to tell you how selfish you are.  And third, though you acknowledge it in part, you conclude that your spouse's selfishness is more problematic than your own.  This is especially true if you feel that you've had a hard life and have experienced a lot of hurt.  You say silently, "OK, I shouldn't do that--but you don't understand me."  The woundedness makes us minimize our own selfishness.  And that's the point at which many married couples arrive after a relatively brief period of time.

Boy, that was a dose of reality...more to come in a future post!

What to Look for in A Guy

Happy Valentine's Day! You are reading the second part of a two part series.  For Part I: What to Look for in A Girl

Yesterday, we talked about what to look for in a girl.  Today, we dig into what makes a man, especially the character qualities that make him a good husband.  Women usually have their "list" or desired "resume," but I thought it would be interesting to look at the qualities found in the love story from the book of Ruth, and see just what qualities Boaz had that made him irresistible. :)

The List.

1. A Nice Guy and has Kindness.  I don't think society praises enough the guy who is nice and who shows kindness to others.  A nice guy can be tough and steadfast on what he wants, but he is also encouraging, helpful and kind to others.  A man with kindness will treat his woman with gentleness, and their kids will grow up in a loving environment.  A guy who is arrogant, rude or angry will probably display those qualities in his family life. (Ruth 2:4, 13)

2. He is Diligent.  He works hard to provide, he does things himself, and he is someone who leads by doing not just by saying.  He is diligent to know the "state of his flocks," and he looks well to what he has and to what he is responsible for. (Ruth 3:2, Proverbs 27:23)

 

3. He is Generous.  Generosity is such a great quality because it gives love to all those around.  And, it's not giving things away for nothing, it is giving to those in need and sharing something that could really help another person. (Ruth 2:14, 15, 16)

4. He Protects. I think every woman desires a man who will protect her and look out for her. (Ruth 2:9)

5. He is Compassionate.  He feels for other people, he shows kindness to the poor, the marginalized, and looks for ways to help those in need. This probably comes with the generosity quality. (Ruth 2:8)

6. Clear on his intentions when he makes up his mind.   He also does what he intends, and does it right away.  Decisiveness and clarity are important in family life, the working world and social circles.  A guy who tries his best to hone these skills should be admired. (Ruth 3:15, 17, 18) 

7. Transparent and upfront.  When handling things, he does what is right.  He doesn’t try to short cut or deceive.  He has strategy and executes with integrity. (Ruth 3:12, 4:1, 4:4)

These are some admirable qualities to have, and the hope for all of us is that these qualities can be developed if we put our minds to it.  If you are a woman and find a man like this, he may be worth taking a risk for.  However, we all need to be reminded that a good catch is also looking for a good match.  So, this may be just as important, if not more, that we work on ourselves to be prepared for that special opportunity.

What to Look for in A Girl

Last year, I posted a 4-part series on Finding Love, starting with Finding Love: the who.  This year, I would like to expound on the actual character qualities to look for and to treasure in both genders.  If you already are in a relationship or are married, then these are probably just as relevant since you can see how you measure up! 

So fellas, what qualities should you look for in a girl?  What qualities will make her a good wife? It's not easy finding a girl, especially one who has a list of virtuous qualities.  This is why her price is far above rubies, and finding her is like finding a treasure.  Btw, this is not a list that I came up with, these are qualities described in Proverbs 31: The Virtuous Woman.

The List.

1. She is diligent, diligent, diligent.  If your woman is not diligent, boy you probably will be facing a lot of heartache, and she will be expensive because you will have to pay for what she doesn't do (or be tired and do it yourself).  (Proverbs 31:13, 18, 27)

2. Provides food for her family even if difficult or is far away.  She is a provider, rather than one who depends on the guy to do the work that she could be doing. (Proverbs 31:14)

3. Doesn’t think only about herself but for the welfare of her family.  As with any leader, good decisions made are usually best for the group and not for him/herself. (Proverbs 31:15)

4. She can labor.  It comes with the diligence. (Proverbs 31:17) 

5. She has compassion for those in need.  She reaches out her hand to them. (Proverbs 31:20)

6. She is confident in her preparation. (Proverbs 31:21)

7. She is good at business and real estate.  She will be profitable to you. (Proverbs 31:16, 24)
 
8. She acts with wisdom. (Proverbs 31:26)

9. She speaks with kindness. (Proverbs 31:26)

The above list is a high bar.  And, as women, we only can keep working on ourselves to aspire towards this.  But, if you are a guy and can find a woman with many of these qualities, better not delay in an efficient market. She will do you good and not evil all the days of her life.

At Your Door

Time is flying by and I have been crazy busy!  But alas, we are now in February, and with Valentines' Day coming up, it's time for one of Finding Food or Love's favorite topics - LOVE!  (hence the name)

I have a good friend, Samantha Lee, who I have had the pleasure of working with on some videos.  She writes poetry and one of her recent poems and now videos is called At Your Door.  I actually helped her film this video, which was a lot of fun and I have discovered how much I like the creative side!  Take a look, it's about love that one person feels, but the other does not agree.  An ever continuing conundrum for those who are single, the ones who you like, don't like you.  And the ones who like you, you just don't feel the same about.

So the search for love continues....

Video: At your door, poetry by Samantha Lee

Red Flags Before Marriage - Part II

Part II. To read first part: Red Flags Before Marriage - Part I

Continuing on about red flags before marriage we should not ignore.  We should never marry unless we are willing to put the needs of others above our own.  As a single person, it is really easy to think how being with this other person will make ME happy, ME not lonely, and ME feel loved.  Although we all need these things and "receive" in a relationship, it can't be about ME if we want a truly loving, lasting relationship.  The other person can't be our servant.  It won't work, as many married people say.  To love is to sacrifice, which the movies don't focus on or emphasize enough.  Sacrifice is never  easy.



The four red flags I noted in the previous post can also be found in verses in Proverbs.

A fool hath no delight in understanding, but that his heart may express itself. (Proverbs 18:2). This kind of person is only interested in expressing him/her -self.

As the door turns upon his hinges, so doth the slothful upon his bed. (Proverbs 26:14)  This is the lazy.  Isn't the imagery great??  

The sluggard is wiser in his own conceit than seven men that can render a reason. (Proverbs 26:16).  Sanity is the ability to know who we really are.

See a man wise in his own conceit? there is more hope of a fool than of him. (Proverbs 26:12)  The fool won't be open to hearing about his/her faults because he/she thinks he is wiser than you are.  This is life in a bubble.



So, where does this leave us...Where is our hope for making due with what we have or making us better?


1) Understand one another.  Nagging won't do it, and neither will judging.  No one can change another person.  Let God do it.  Accept your mate and gain unity.  Be willing to sacrifice, giving up all your rights to get over conflict.  This is not speaking of an abusive relationship.  An abusive relationship needs help immediately.

2) Get on the same page morally, spiritually and goals. Sympathize with one another.  Be quick to admit your wrong and ask for forgiveness.

3) Do not render evil for evil in the marriage relationship or any relationship.  People are more anxious to get even than to glorify God in a relationship.  This probably ties to the whole sacrifice concept - even when we have a right to get even, if we truly want this relationship to work out, we are willing to put aside those rights and seek for resolution or better understanding.


Sources:
Red Flags You Probably Missed - Dr. Erwin Lutzer

Red Flags Before Marriage - Part I

What are some red flags that we should have seen in a dating relationship before we headed down the aisle? What wisdom can we learn to avoid heading into such disasters?  (Remember, more than 50% of couples divorce, which probably means that more than 50% of us need more guidance).

When I heard these questions asked, my ears perked up, and I turned up the volume.  Free, wise advice is always a bargain.  The advice is not my own, but that of Dr. Erwin Lutzer and here are some notes with a few of my thoughts...

First off, the red flags were ignored.  Meaning that the people who shared their marriage stories he refers to felt something deep down, but never acted upon it or wrote it off in their mind for some reason (perhaps reasoning that they needed to get married now so this was it, or I'm in love, or we've been together for so long...).  I also have to caveat that we all have red flags, and whoever marries us has to overlook that of ours.  Further, we may even possess some of the following traits to some degree.  However, isn't it better to identify and deal with ourselves first (which takes humility) and become a better person to live with?  Then, we can see our situations with more awareness and not overlook important issues.  So, here we go, a few red flags to look for...

1. The narcissist. Enamored by his/her own image, self absorbed, never apologizes for something, always the other person's fault.  Talks about himself/herself a lot.  Or it's always around his work, his schedule.  He/she only cares about you in the dating relationship because of what he/she wants to get.

2. More interested in your physique or how you look or than you as a person.  Shows no sympathy for your hurt or pain, or anyone else's for that matter.  Completely insensitive while dating.  Falling in love with someone's body--that will deteriorate, but falling in love with the person, that will grow.

3. An angry person. Angry people can sometimes be charmers or affirming during the dating relationship.  Sometimes comes out as cynicism.  Don't ignore deep seeded anger if it surfaces.  Initial charm could be a cover for deeper abusive behavior later.

4. Lazy person. Thinks that the world owes him/her a living and blames everything but himself/herself for faults. Also thinks that the world does not appreciate her/him and is still waiting for the world to come around to realize how great of a person he/she is.  One woman said she married the man she dated, saw the laziness beforehand but brushed it aside.  She thought he would change after the "I do."   

Stay tuned for Part II with what to do.

Sources:
Red Flags You Probably Missed - Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Picture: http://blog.redfin.com/

Connecting the Dots

As most people know, Steve Jobs, chief executive of Apple Inc., resigned this week.  Given his long battle with his health, it was an expected event at some point.  With the recency, I thought I would talk about him and some things he has shared in the past.

I have followed Jobs' life in the newspapers over the years, but I still remember that first time I read the transcript for his commencement address at Stanford in 2005.  No viral video at the time because YouTube hadn't come into official existence quite yet, and viral video really only existed via emails (wasn't that like SO long ago?!).

Btw, YouTube officially debuted in November 2005, and grew like a weed the summer of 2006.  It's crazy how time flies and how technology proliferates!

I distinctly remember (in detail) the time I read his commencement.  I was living in Ohio at the time, I had printed out a copy of the transcript at the office and brought it home that evening to read, sitting at my fake wood veneer IKEA desk in a totally uncomfortable dining chair (also from IKEA), and was just struck while reading about Jobs' life.

One message that stuck with me was: You can't connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect the dots of life looking backward, so you have to trust that your dots will connect in the future.  I remember I started to ball after reading that sentence, and just couldn't stop crying.  In 2005, I was uncertain of my future.  I was applying to business school but things weren't working out the way that I wanted.  I felt so much anxiety but also felt disappointment with many other parts of my life. 

The other point that really struck me was that Jobs was talking about how to connect the dots from a perspective of real life experiences of failure, rejection and disappointment.  Yes, he had started Apple and it grew to a multi-billion corporation, but he also had experienced lowest of the lows as early as rejection at birth (adopted child from an unwed mother), dropping out of college, getting fired by the very company he created, and facing death with the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.  These were heavy events; the odds seemed against him.  And in spite of all that, he didn't give up; he showed tenacity.  This made a very deep impression on me.

Today, that perseverance makes an even greater impact on me as I face an uncertain future.  But no matter what we face in life, we should live each day believing in something (as Jobs suggests).  Mine, more and more, is in Jesus.  But whatever it is for you, we all need faith that what we do today will have value in the future, even though we can't see or know at the current time.  Times in life are a window, and they will all pass.  Death is one of those few certainties in life, so don't delay to make today count.  We should live life with more love and with more purpose.  No regrets.  

Steve Jobs' Stanford Commencement Speech 2005

Source: Stanford Commencement Speech 2005

Finding Love, the who

Part IV, the Final.  For Part I: Finding Love, the start

V-Day is here.  Happy Valentine’s Day!  If you have been following the other postings to my finding love series, you have been thinking about the love question for a few days now.  If you find yourself celebrating Valentine’s Day with a special someone--or not, it’s good to be prepared--here’s a question: How do you know that you have found that right person?  If you are married, the question doesn’t really apply because you already made your commitment (and I feel so sorry for those who are in tough marriages...I could not imagine.  Nevertheless, we must own up to what we chose; otherwise, the lesson will repeat).

We all want more happiness and less misery.  So, for that special someone, how do you know?  Side: I still want to see that movie... 

Since the answer to the “how do you know” question would lead a person to make probably the biggest commitment of his/her life, we better put some real thought into our answer.  For the guy who is even remotely thinking of popping the question, and for the girl who sees this as a serious relationship.

I think we can all agree that this question is tough to answer because so many factors are at play.  However, here are a few thoughts, perhaps obvious or perhaps something to consider.

Every couple resides in society.  Meaning that they can’t cut themselves off from the world.  Close and trusting relationships with family and certain friends, as much as able, are indication if the match seems to fit.  If we think about it, the wedding is about gathering family and friends, when people have children it’s about family, holidays are about family (or at least a call), even the “–in law” suffix is permanent for immediate family members, and to really enjoy the blessings of peace and harmony within your new family is directly tied to what you bring in, that is, what you experienced in your original families and how you relate to them.

Chemistry, laughter, contentment.  The chemistry varies for every person or couple, but there still needs to be some version of fireworks.  Otherwise what’s the difference from a really good friend?  When speaking of contentment, not talking about you now having someone for yourself, but about an inner contentment with yourself, with how you view yourself, and with what you have.  What about laughter?  Well, if you can’t be happy before marriage, how in the world will you get through the inevitable hard times in marriage?

Money is attributed as the number one reason for divorce.  You both have to share the same views on money – not just in words, but in action.  For this, I think you need to see it, to believe it.

Lastly, how do you know she is right for you?  Test her.  Test him on things important to him and see his reaction.  Unannounced, unplanned, surprise situations can reveal a great deal about a person.  Don’t put aside the possibility of finding something that could be potentially lifesaving.

V-Day will come and go, as it does every year.  And, for people in dating relationships, it hopefully will be a time to think about their relationship.  Interestingly, many people around this time do reassess, because after Valentine’s Day up till Spring Break time, the number of break-ups will hit an annual peak (the other is right before the winter holiday).  Real numbers actually show this phenomenon.  They come from Facebook status updates (surprise!).  If you haven’t read, check out my previous blog post, Black Monday, for more detail.

Be happy, we all have something going for us.


Source of picture: 420 heart of fruits.  www.aarp.org

Finding Love, the where

Part III.  For Part I: Finding Love, the start
 
Where do we go to find love?  Oh man, the question that people who have yet to fall in love probably obsess over.  Just where do I go to find this person?  Wouldn’t it be great if there were some Foursquare, Facebook Places or SCVNGR game that we could play to find our love??  Games + relationships.  Badges to unlock.  Challenges to do or give.  Location based meetups.  This could be a really cool startup idea!  Haha, if you find this interesting, send me an email at findfoodlove@gmail.com.  We can talk startups!

One would think that there are so many opportunities to meet people.  Your childhood, school, interest groups, church, friends of friends, family friends, study abroad, vacationing, people you work with, people you meet…but yet with all these different possibilities, for some reason, it seems difficult to meet someone who you can connect with on all fronts (or even good friends for that matter).

School seems like a good place to meet someone.  People are around the same age, lots of social events, and people have a little more flexibility with their time especially during breaks (though barring med school).  Going into business school, I thought the prospects of meeting someone would be very high.  The person would be somewhat filtered, probably possess similar priorities in life, and the female percentage is like 30% (what better stats than that?!).  Granted, there are people who do meet their special someone in b-school (yea!), but anecdotally, it seems that many singles, especially women, do not come out marrying someone from business school. 

A friend recently sent over an interesting article asking why are there so many single ladies in b-school?  (for full disclosure, this friend is a guy who did not go to b-school, as far as I know, and says he has other buddies who have similar observations).  The article is attached below, and one major reason it suggests--and that most guess--is that these women are too focused on career (and you probably can apply this context to any woman pursuing graduate studies). 

Well, I mean, if you go to business school, you probably do want to do something in and with your career, right?  It only makes sense.  But, the discussion does bring up a valid point that women SEEM aggressive, not willing to follow men, and would choose career rather than settle down with a family.  All valid points to a degree, of course depends on the person, but I think as women, we should really consider the perception we give. 

But, on the other hand, I think men need to consider this point.  If she isn’t married, then she can’t have kids (or at least, that’s not plan A), and what if no one comes around?  She will be on her own and she has to sustain herself financially and socially.  In many ways, even for those who do marry, there still will be times of loneliness, of not being understood or not provided for.  

Back to the where question—I guess there really is no one place to meet someone even when it seems to make a lot of sense.  But no matter what our status, I think good things will come if we stay social, care for others, show care to our family, friends, strangers, and believe that we are looking for a good fit, not just any fit.

With that said, here is a brainstorm of possible ways we could meet that right person, or even platonic friends.  Not comprehensive at all, as online dating is always an option.

1) Join groups where people know each other. They would then be more likely to introduce you to people whom you can get to know.  Associations, professional groups, church groups, religious gatherings, volunteer organizations that interact with other people.  Or, maybe it's time to mix up our groups and go where we don’t know people.  Maybe I should take my own advice…

2) Talk to people.  People do help other people, and they might have ideas for you.  Ask, and ye shall find.  Don’t ask and don’t find.

3) Meetups.  By interests, by activities.  Grubwithus.com might be an idea.  You have dinner with a group of strangers.  The startup recently became a Y Combinator startup.  Outdoor activities that rotate players could be interesting.  Exercise classes, going to matches or competitions with friends - the person competing could have different circles of friends.  If you go to a party, I find it's not just about "being" at the parties or going to places.  It's more about interacting with people and meeting through a conversation.  I have been to parties where all the people who know each other just keep talking to each other.  It’s easier, and sometimes it’s good to do it, but maybe it’s time to put in that extra bit of effort.

4) Old friends.  So, here's one that could be really interesting.  People you grew up with or have known for a long time, but never dated because it never came up due to timing or something.  Time does tell.

Article “All the Single Ladies?”:
http://www.whartonjournal.com/perspectives/all-the-single-ladies-1.1964283

Finding Love, the next

Part II.  For Part I go here: Finding Love, the start

Love, what exactly are we looking for?  Before tackling the how, the steps, the what to do (the parts Type A people excruciate over), it might be good to know what to look for.  At the end of the day, if the person who could be a good fit for us is sitting before our eyes, maybe hanging out with our friends, or even walking by us on occasion, why in the world did we not identify this person before?!  Maybe because we didn’t know what we were looking for. 

For illustration on why I think this is important, take this example, in fact, one of my favorite analogies.  Right now, there is a load of snow in the Midwest.  I went for a walk in this knee high snow just because I could (and loved it; best exercise ever).  I start to walk in the snow with my head down, watching my every step but just walking, with no goal of going to a certain spot.  After a few minutes, if I turn around and look back at my footsteps, I will see footprints that zigzag in a kind of meandering pattern.  I then pinpoint something in the distance, continue to walk with the focus and intention of going to that spot.  After a few minutes, I turn around and look back.  I see a straight path, no zigzagging around. 

Such is life.  Without knowledge, conscious decision of where I am going, or in this case, the kind of person I am looking for, I will likely kiss a lot of frogs, meander all over the board, and maybe even end up with a wrong fit. 

I am not supporting check lists.  Or strict standards.  Sometimes we think we know what we are looking for, but in fact, the best thing is not on the list.  Thereby, I suggest the start of knowing what to look for is yourself. 

Every person is different.  It may take months, if not years, and probably hardship to really know oneself.  Sometimes the biggest blessings are those really rough and tumble times when we are at a total loss, feel like a failure, and have little hope.  This is when we are challenged to face who we are and who we are not, and to think about how we truly see ourselves and our future.  So if you find yourself in that right now, consider yourself blessed!  You are going to get to know yourself.

For those who don’t face those times, just wait, yours will come.  Meanwhile, take time for introspection and heart examination.  I bet you will find more about yourself then you ever did if you didn’t stop to think about who you really are -- how you grew up, what excites you, what sets you off, what grudges do you hold, the meaning of life for you.  Those who know themselves are more able to relate to others, and that other person can actually understand you.  What they know is what you say and do.  If you don’t have a good hold on yourself, how will you know that person is a good match?

Other traits worthy to look for?  Someone who opens up.  A person who will really talk with you, sharing themselves with you and with others, a reality you can witness.  And a person who is self aware, who can humbly take criticism and apply it.

Someone who keeps his word.  When people say their marriage vows, you want someone who will mean it.  And, in return, you are just as committed.  This also includes follow through in the everyday.

Look at the fruit of your interaction.  Just because you guys can make a dinner decision together doesn’t mean you guys communicate well or that talking through a fight is indication.  If you keep fighting about basically the same thing (just slight variations), most likely, something is not getting through.  Words are cheap.  Actions speak louder.  Consistent actions are the real thing.

These are just a few things to think about.

Finding Love, the start

A request has been made for a piece on finding love (and understandably so since my blog is called FINDING food or love).  We are all aware of that special or dreaded day that is coming upon us: V-Day.  A day of misery for a many lonely souls and a hole in the pocket for those in love (have retailers/restaurants duped everyone on this one?) 

For those who are still in search for love, so many questions remain.  How do we find him/her?  Where do we go to find love?  And, how do we know that we have found that right person (and keep that person around, which may be the tougher challenge)?  A whole movie even has been devoted to the last question (did you see How Do You Know with Reese Whiterspoon?).  Many people said the movie was bad, so I have yet to see it, but I still kind of want to (I have a soft spot for chick-flicks).

So what to do?  Well, for one, I think women in the last couple of generations face a new frontier of life.  Meaning new ways to spend our time, education, shot at a career, sport races to participate in, more disposable income for enjoying what we like, traveling on our own, and I think all these things are great.  I am a direct beneficiary of these marvelous liberties, which give me more perspective, a way to create my own interests and happiness.  However, on the other hand, I think that these things feed a woman's independence and demand, that perhaps don't allow us to fully appreciate and see a man's potential, what it means for a man to lead, for a man to face the pressure of making hard decisions (and, that is what hones them!), and for a man to figure out his needs.  From what I observe, if a man doesn't face pressure, well, he doesn't need to make a decision, take a step, think about something he doesn't want to think about.  I would say they, more than women (on a relative scale), have this tendency.

I see this whole finding love endeavor as a delicate balance.  For a woman, she is to be open, content, ready to give, yet perceptive enough on what kind of guy he really is (after he flexes his muscles or his suaveness) and to not do everything just to keep him around.  For a man, taking the reins on what is best for both parties, making things happen, not being afraid to fail, learning how to be there for her but not over do it, and yet also being perceptive on what kind of person she really is and figure out whether she is the type who is demanding of all his time and life (if so, get out now, you are already in hell).

These traits are important to develop whether you are in a relationship or not (and may be less painful if you are not).  So, whatever your V-Day status is, let's focus on ourselves and be that better person.

Contentment in Love

New year resolutions and goals are in effect!  I am looking forward to and excited about the unknown for 2011!  So much can develop, so many new things can be learned.  Love and better relationships.  Who wouldn't want more of that in 2011?

One thing I am musing about is better relationships stem from more individual contentment.  Many of us are happy for others when they have good news - a new relationship, getting married, having a baby, moving to a new house, getting a new job, etc.  But, don't we sometimes feel happy for them, sad for us?  We didn't find our loved one this year, we didn't find a new job yet, we are still trying to have a baby.  How could the glad tidings of someone else (our friend) cause us to feel pity for ourselves?

So for the start of this year, one of my goals is to spend LESS time on my news feed in Facebook.  Too often, I sift through to see what my friends are up to, and lo and behold, what do I find?  One friend is in love, another had their baby, another got married, another on vacation, another finished a marathon, another, another another...  Where do I find myself?  Inundated with people moving on, doing great things.  And, I am sitting at home on Facebook reading the newsreel, in pity.

For one, just by statistics alone, this is bound to happen.  Think about it, if you have about 300 friends (and most of us have more than that many friends on Facebook), don't you think the chances of people in the 300+ friend circle is bound to have more going on in their collective lives than any one of us in our own life?  Statistically speaking, we are all bound to feel some pity. 

But, I think a greater issue is at hand -- happiness is not in just limiting my exposure to what others are doing.  It starts with how content I am.  If all the world but me got rich and lived the opulent life, but I were content to start with, I would logically be content even watching them live it up (until the "it" starts to come down; as we say in finance, what goes up must come down).  And, this very contentment will become the foundational block in all my relationships - whether marriage, friend, family, whatever.  This contentment will give me freedom and joy in whatever state I am in.  Because it doesn't matter where others are, it only matters where I am and who I am.

Two very insightful verses from the Bible.  God had it all along:

"For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise."
2 Corinthians 10:12

"And he said unto them, Take heed, and beware of covetousness: for a man's life consisteth not in the abundance of the things which he possesseth."
Luke 12:15

btw, friends, please still put up your Facebook posts - I love to see what is going on. :)

Better to Have Not Loved

You have heard that old saying, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," from Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850.  My question is -- so is this really true?  I would be interested to hear your comments and perspective if you are so inclined.

Here's my take on it.  For what I have seen in life so far, I think it is better to have not loved, than to have loved the wrong person.  (And, you can quote me on this since I haven't seen this around, my name is Tina Chan).  What is my reasoning?  This might take multiple posts, but here is a start.

Everyone is looking for love.  And, everyone needs it.  However, we can fall in love with love, and many times with whomever is currently beside us or kind of likes us (a girl's confession here).  Or we do meet that "perfect" someone, but they don't love us back the way we love them.  Many times, we probably don't really know them, such as their inner workings and history, and so they become perfect in our eyes.

People fall in love before the background check.  It's easy to fall in love with only what you see and feel, but reality is part of love.  Meaning, the fit of family, values, friends, history, hurts are all part of that love.  And, with it, this can make your life bliss or miserable and a total miss.

We stay in the wrong relationships because we want them to work.  It goes back to the desire to be in love, and love gives.  But what if we are giving to the wrong person?  And, what about the selfishness of wanting to be married for the sake of marriage because we want to be with someone rather than marrying for real love and the right fit?   Tough questions, tough answers.

We like to watch romantic movies (or at least I do, another confession).  But, what does unbridled, head over heels passion get us?  Happy endings in movies.  But in reality, a majority of relationships are the wrong ones.  50% of first marriages get a divorce (http://www.divorcerate.org/).  This doesn't even include all the dating relationships that break up.

What am I saying?  Never love?  Never go after that girl you are attracted to?  No, not at all.  I am saying, go after her/him with the goal of finding that right one.  We have no idea what is inside if we don't look.  And, sometimes, we do just fall in love, we couldn't help it.  But, what seems important is the commitment to yourself and to your family to find the right one, not just any one.

Black Monday

Since my blog is about food and love, this post is about love.  For all my business school friends out there, don't you remember Black Monday when so many couples broke up?  And, it was a perfect time to figure out which ones were now single because you secretly felt some disappointment when you heard they were taken?  Well, interestingly, I did ask myself at some point, I wonder if there is some stat that shows just how many breakups happen, and does it really happen after Thanksgiving?

[interject eerie music].  The stat exists.  And, the source is even better - it comes from Facebook.  Based on Facebook status updates, the number of status changes to break up dramatically increases to a peak after Thanksgiving and to another peak during Spring Break.  There could be so many explanations for why, but isn't it interesting that people think alike?  Maybe it was after arguing over who's house to go to for the holidays.  Or, someone didn't invite the other for the holidays.  Or even the new year is coming, and the last few months gave people a reason to reflect, and the reflection was: I am with the wrong person.


Interestingly, aside from Mondays, summer holidays and April Fools' Day, which are more popular days to break up, the one day that people rarely break up on is...Christmas.  Labeled as "too cruel."  Maybe people still do desire to show a little kindness -- and give some sort of gift at Christmas...

Check out the site, you really should, if you read this blog posting:
www.informationisbeautiful.net

Lastly, to all my single friends out there, we have at the very least one thing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  And, no need to listen to breakup songs.

Healing for the hurting heart

A continuation on love from Bob Moeller’s talk.  Why is a recognizing a hardened heart so important?  For one, unresolved pain will block our ability to give and receive love.  We will look to the other person to fix us.  We will step on each other’s pain for a lifetime (or choose to leave).  And, if we do marry, we may spend years feeling like we married the wrong person.

Bob had a pretty interesting insight: If we come from a troubled or dysfunctional home, 90% of us will marry our most difficult parent. 

I have definitely seen this.  Unfortunately…

Is there hope?  Yes there is!!  A softened heart is the way back.  God’s solution is to bring healing.  Bob goes into many verses.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me…He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted…” Isaiah 61:1

“I will give you a new heart and a new spirit in you.  I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26

Ask God to examine your heart (Psalm 139:23-24).  Confess every area of hardness of heart and sin to God and to someone you trust (James 5:16).  Forgive people who have damaged your heart.  Ask Him to soften and heal your heart (Psalm 51:10). 

This blog entry is for all the broken people out there in the world.  I wish the misery would stop.  We all need healing.

How hard is your love?

Since this blog is about finding food or love, today’s posting is about love.  I went to a conference on relationships over the weekend, and it was by far, one of the most insightful I have ever experienced!  I even bought his book!  The speaker was Bob Moeller and his website is www.forkeepsministries.com.  He and his wife, Cheryl Moeller, give conferences, counseling and do speaking engagements.

A few things to ponder upon…

The heart is the heart of every relationship.  Your relationship is reflective of the state and condition of your heart.  The other person does not make up for what you lack or struggle with.  The problems or crux of relationship issues are expressed quite vividly through Jesus’ reply in this verse: “Moses permitted you divorce your wives because your hearts were hard.  But it was not this way from the beginning.” Matthew 19:8.  A heart that is hard is unable to give and to receive love.  The relationship this heart is in can be damaged…badly.  And, a relationship was not originally designed to be hurtful or damaging, and neither was a heart to be hard.

A few signs of a hard heart: living with consistent sadness or depression, feeling unusually anxious or fearful in relationships, an inability to express your deepest feelings to those closest to you, the ability to detach or emotionally disassociate from painful situations, always giving in to keep the peace, constantly performing for others to avoid their rejection, and many more.

This insight has led me to think – what is the state of my heart?  Do I see this in my own life or in the relationships around me?  How about you?