Why Are You Getting Married?

This summer, I am reading through a book with my small group called The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller.  It has been an engaging read so far, and interestingly, I think it has been applicable for the single and perhaps very revealing for the married.  Hopefully that means, the single will be more prepared and the married will be solving problems...today.

I thought I would just quote this passage from the book, as I think it is quite insighful.

In Western culture today, you decide to get married because you feel an attraction to the other person.  You think he or she is wonderful.  But a year or two later--or, just as often, a month or two--three things usually happen.  First, you begin to find out how selfish this wonderful person is.  Second, you discover that the wonderful person has been going through a similar experience and he or she begins to tell you how selfish you are.  And third, though you acknowledge it in part, you conclude that your spouse's selfishness is more problematic than your own.  This is especially true if you feel that you've had a hard life and have experienced a lot of hurt.  You say silently, "OK, I shouldn't do that--but you don't understand me."  The woundedness makes us minimize our own selfishness.  And that's the point at which many married couples arrive after a relatively brief period of time.

Boy, that was a dose of reality...more to come in a future post!

Paper Airplanes

Another video done by my friend, Samantha. This one is about past relationships, folded up in paper airplanes.  Enjoy!

What to Look for in A Guy

Happy Valentine's Day! You are reading the second part of a two part series.  For Part I: What to Look for in A Girl

Yesterday, we talked about what to look for in a girl.  Today, we dig into what makes a man, especially the character qualities that make him a good husband.  Women usually have their "list" or desired "resume," but I thought it would be interesting to look at the qualities found in the love story from the book of Ruth, and see just what qualities Boaz had that made him irresistible. :)

The List.

1. A Nice Guy and has Kindness.  I don't think society praises enough the guy who is nice and who shows kindness to others.  A nice guy can be tough and steadfast on what he wants, but he is also encouraging, helpful and kind to others.  A man with kindness will treat his woman with gentleness, and their kids will grow up in a loving environment.  A guy who is arrogant, rude or angry will probably display those qualities in his family life. (Ruth 2:4, 13)

2. He is Diligent.  He works hard to provide, he does things himself, and he is someone who leads by doing not just by saying.  He is diligent to know the "state of his flocks," and he looks well to what he has and to what he is responsible for. (Ruth 3:2, Proverbs 27:23)

 

3. He is Generous.  Generosity is such a great quality because it gives love to all those around.  And, it's not giving things away for nothing, it is giving to those in need and sharing something that could really help another person. (Ruth 2:14, 15, 16)

4. He Protects. I think every woman desires a man who will protect her and look out for her. (Ruth 2:9)

5. He is Compassionate.  He feels for other people, he shows kindness to the poor, the marginalized, and looks for ways to help those in need. This probably comes with the generosity quality. (Ruth 2:8)

6. Clear on his intentions when he makes up his mind.   He also does what he intends, and does it right away.  Decisiveness and clarity are important in family life, the working world and social circles.  A guy who tries his best to hone these skills should be admired. (Ruth 3:15, 17, 18) 

7. Transparent and upfront.  When handling things, he does what is right.  He doesn’t try to short cut or deceive.  He has strategy and executes with integrity. (Ruth 3:12, 4:1, 4:4)

These are some admirable qualities to have, and the hope for all of us is that these qualities can be developed if we put our minds to it.  If you are a woman and find a man like this, he may be worth taking a risk for.  However, we all need to be reminded that a good catch is also looking for a good match.  So, this may be just as important, if not more, that we work on ourselves to be prepared for that special opportunity.

What to Look for in A Girl

Last year, I posted a 4-part series on Finding Love, starting with Finding Love: the who.  This year, I would like to expound on the actual character qualities to look for and to treasure in both genders.  If you already are in a relationship or are married, then these are probably just as relevant since you can see how you measure up! 

So fellas, what qualities should you look for in a girl?  What qualities will make her a good wife? It's not easy finding a girl, especially one who has a list of virtuous qualities.  This is why her price is far above rubies, and finding her is like finding a treasure.  Btw, this is not a list that I came up with, these are qualities described in Proverbs 31: The Virtuous Woman.

The List.

1. She is diligent, diligent, diligent.  If your woman is not diligent, boy you probably will be facing a lot of heartache, and she will be expensive because you will have to pay for what she doesn't do (or be tired and do it yourself).  (Proverbs 31:13, 18, 27)

2. Provides food for her family even if difficult or is far away.  She is a provider, rather than one who depends on the guy to do the work that she could be doing. (Proverbs 31:14)

3. Doesn’t think only about herself but for the welfare of her family.  As with any leader, good decisions made are usually best for the group and not for him/herself. (Proverbs 31:15)

4. She can labor.  It comes with the diligence. (Proverbs 31:17) 

5. She has compassion for those in need.  She reaches out her hand to them. (Proverbs 31:20)

6. She is confident in her preparation. (Proverbs 31:21)

7. She is good at business and real estate.  She will be profitable to you. (Proverbs 31:16, 24)
 
8. She acts with wisdom. (Proverbs 31:26)

9. She speaks with kindness. (Proverbs 31:26)

The above list is a high bar.  And, as women, we only can keep working on ourselves to aspire towards this.  But, if you are a guy and can find a woman with many of these qualities, better not delay in an efficient market. She will do you good and not evil all the days of her life.

At Your Door

Time is flying by and I have been crazy busy!  But alas, we are now in February, and with Valentines' Day coming up, it's time for one of Finding Food or Love's favorite topics - LOVE!  (hence the name)

I have a good friend, Samantha Lee, who I have had the pleasure of working with on some videos.  She writes poetry and one of her recent poems and now videos is called At Your Door.  I actually helped her film this video, which was a lot of fun and I have discovered how much I like the creative side!  Take a look, it's about love that one person feels, but the other does not agree.  An ever continuing conundrum for those who are single, the ones who you like, don't like you.  And the ones who like you, you just don't feel the same about.

So the search for love continues....

Video: At your door, poetry by Samantha Lee

Red Flags Before Marriage - Part II

Part II. To read first part: Red Flags Before Marriage - Part I

Continuing on about red flags before marriage we should not ignore.  We should never marry unless we are willing to put the needs of others above our own.  As a single person, it is really easy to think how being with this other person will make ME happy, ME not lonely, and ME feel loved.  Although we all need these things and "receive" in a relationship, it can't be about ME if we want a truly loving, lasting relationship.  The other person can't be our servant.  It won't work, as many married people say.  To love is to sacrifice, which the movies don't focus on or emphasize enough.  Sacrifice is never  easy.



The four red flags I noted in the previous post can also be found in verses in Proverbs.

A fool hath no delight in understanding, but that his heart may express itself. (Proverbs 18:2). This kind of person is only interested in expressing him/her -self.

As the door turns upon his hinges, so doth the slothful upon his bed. (Proverbs 26:14)  This is the lazy.  Isn't the imagery great??  

The sluggard is wiser in his own conceit than seven men that can render a reason. (Proverbs 26:16).  Sanity is the ability to know who we really are.

See a man wise in his own conceit? there is more hope of a fool than of him. (Proverbs 26:12)  The fool won't be open to hearing about his/her faults because he/she thinks he is wiser than you are.  This is life in a bubble.



So, where does this leave us...Where is our hope for making due with what we have or making us better?


1) Understand one another.  Nagging won't do it, and neither will judging.  No one can change another person.  Let God do it.  Accept your mate and gain unity.  Be willing to sacrifice, giving up all your rights to get over conflict.  This is not speaking of an abusive relationship.  An abusive relationship needs help immediately.

2) Get on the same page morally, spiritually and goals. Sympathize with one another.  Be quick to admit your wrong and ask for forgiveness.

3) Do not render evil for evil in the marriage relationship or any relationship.  People are more anxious to get even than to glorify God in a relationship.  This probably ties to the whole sacrifice concept - even when we have a right to get even, if we truly want this relationship to work out, we are willing to put aside those rights and seek for resolution or better understanding.


Sources:
Red Flags You Probably Missed - Dr. Erwin Lutzer

Red Flags Before Marriage - Part I

What are some red flags that we should have seen in a dating relationship before we headed down the aisle? What wisdom can we learn to avoid heading into such disasters?  (Remember, more than 50% of couples divorce, which probably means that more than 50% of us need more guidance).

When I heard these questions asked, my ears perked up, and I turned up the volume.  Free, wise advice is always a bargain.  The advice is not my own, but that of Dr. Erwin Lutzer and here are some notes with a few of my thoughts...

First off, the red flags were ignored.  Meaning that the people who shared their marriage stories he refers to felt something deep down, but never acted upon it or wrote it off in their mind for some reason (perhaps reasoning that they needed to get married now so this was it, or I'm in love, or we've been together for so long...).  I also have to caveat that we all have red flags, and whoever marries us has to overlook that of ours.  Further, we may even possess some of the following traits to some degree.  However, isn't it better to identify and deal with ourselves first (which takes humility) and become a better person to live with?  Then, we can see our situations with more awareness and not overlook important issues.  So, here we go, a few red flags to look for...

1. The narcissist. Enamored by his/her own image, self absorbed, never apologizes for something, always the other person's fault.  Talks about himself/herself a lot.  Or it's always around his work, his schedule.  He/she only cares about you in the dating relationship because of what he/she wants to get.

2. More interested in your physique or how you look or than you as a person.  Shows no sympathy for your hurt or pain, or anyone else's for that matter.  Completely insensitive while dating.  Falling in love with someone's body--that will deteriorate, but falling in love with the person, that will grow.

3. An angry person. Angry people can sometimes be charmers or affirming during the dating relationship.  Sometimes comes out as cynicism.  Don't ignore deep seeded anger if it surfaces.  Initial charm could be a cover for deeper abusive behavior later.

4. Lazy person. Thinks that the world owes him/her a living and blames everything but himself/herself for faults. Also thinks that the world does not appreciate her/him and is still waiting for the world to come around to realize how great of a person he/she is.  One woman said she married the man she dated, saw the laziness beforehand but brushed it aside.  She thought he would change after the "I do."   

Stay tuned for Part II with what to do.

Sources:
Red Flags You Probably Missed - Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Picture: http://blog.redfin.com/

A Salmon Recipe (That Will Make You Awesome)

When you make salmon this way, your friends/family or your hubby (or wifey, we play fair) might just call you AWESOME.  This post, in my opinion, is a kill two birds with one stone because: 1) it's super healthy & tasty, and 2) this probably will improve your relationship (especially those who love with their stomachs!).  

To be upfront here, I didn't write this recipe, but I concocted a very, very similar salmon recipe in my head, executed on it, and was like oh my goodness, this must be some new secret for making incredible salmon!  Well, it didn't take long after searching 'tomatoes' and 'salmon' that my revolutionary recipe probably has been made for, like generations.

But whatever, oh I must caveat, that one very likely reason for my eureka moment with this recipe after I tasted it is because most of my sauce ingredients were from the garden.  But I think no matter what, the recipe will still taste good, and just try your hardest to use organic vine ripened tomatoes.  I think you will taste the difference.  Btw, I didn't do everything here and added other things (like I don't add the extra water if my tomatoes are juicy), so go with whatever you feel like!  The picture above is my own of the salmon I made. 

Salmon with Tomato, Onions, and Capers Recipe

Ingredients

• 3 Tbsp olive oil
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 2 garlic cloves, peeled and diced
• 2 large fresh tomatoes, diced
• 1 Tbsp fresh thyme leaves, chopped
• 2 teaspoon freshly grated lemon zest
• The juice of one meyer lemon, or half a regular lemon with a teaspoon of sugar
• 2 Tbsp of capers, drained
• 1 teaspoon of chopped jalapeño peppers (no seeds, no stem, no ribs) either fresh or pickled
• 1/3 cup white wine
• 1/4 cup water
• Salt and pepper
• 2 fresh salmon fillets, 1/2 lb each

Method

1 In a large, wide (at least 12 inches wide) saucepan (one that comes with a cover), heat olive oil on medium heat. Add the onion and cook, stirring regularly, until just beginning to brown, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic and cook for 1 minute. Raise the heat to medium-high and add the tomatoes, thyme, lemon zest, lemon juice, capers, and jalapeño peppers. Simmer for 10 minutes, adding a little water if needed to prevent the sauce from getting too dry. Salt and pepper to taste.

2 Add 1/3 a cup of white wine - a simple Chardonnay will work. Add 1/4 cup of water. Bring to a simmer. Place the fillets in the pan on top of the sauce, skin side down, if the fillets are still in their skin. Cover and reduce heat to medium-low. Cook for 5-10 minutes, depending on how thick the cuts of fish are. Poke the fish with a fork and look for doneness. The fish should still be somewhat rare in the middle, but not raw. Serve immediately, with tomato sauce generously applied.

Serves 4

Source: http://simplyrecipes.com/
More of my postings on salmon: Essentials of Wild Salmon and Healthy Restaurant Review: Cafe Nordstrom

Marriage Advice

Earlier this summer, I went to a casual talk and heard some really great advice on life, and in particular, about marriage and what to consider when choosing a life partner.  I think the advice is as sobering for those who are already married, since marriage has so many facets, phases, and challenges. I sat there, feeling like I was drinking out of a fire hose.  The talk was also beyond just marriage, and journeyed through a man's life from when he was a boy to where he is today.  I have the link for the video below.  For those who want a preview, I wrote out a few points below (primarily on the marriage advice part)...

• Insight: you can fall in love with someone whom you should NOT marry.
• Don’t ever marry someone on a promise for what they are going to change.  Going to be a better person, become a hard worker, not be lazy. They need to be successfully dealing with it today.  
• Look for a zeal in life.  Their outlook in life will greatly impact you and your future with that person.  If a man or woman is not actively improving whatever area - providing for a living, taking care of immediate family, etc. - it probably won't be that way in the future.  Don’t marry on the promise.  [However, I would conjecture that this is separate from marrying someone because you see potential, such as you think his character will make him great or something happens that sets her back, but she is facing and dealing with it].
• If you are in a relationship because you don’t think you can do better or "reason" yourself through why you should be with the person rather than why you can’t live without the person, then you are probably in the wrong relationship.
• Know yourself in order to deal with the brokenness in your family and in your potential someone’s family.  If you don’t know yourself and (or can't accept) where you came from, your background, your upbringing and parents, then you won't be able to deal with the brokenness of the other person.

These are only tidbits; the vimeo video link is below.  The speaker is Pastor Erwin Lutzer from Moody Church in Chicago, IL.

The Life Story of Pastor Erwin Lutzer

Better to Have Not Loved

You have heard that old saying, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," from Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850.  My question is -- so is this really true?  I would be interested to hear your comments and perspective if you are so inclined.

Here's my take on it.  For what I have seen in life so far, I think it is better to have not loved, than to have loved the wrong person.  (And, you can quote me on this since I haven't seen this around, my name is Tina Chan).  What is my reasoning?  This might take multiple posts, but here is a start.

Everyone is looking for love.  And, everyone needs it.  However, we can fall in love with love, and many times with whomever is currently beside us or kind of likes us (a girl's confession here).  Or we do meet that "perfect" someone, but they don't love us back the way we love them.  Many times, we probably don't really know them, such as their inner workings and history, and so they become perfect in our eyes.

People fall in love before the background check.  It's easy to fall in love with only what you see and feel, but reality is part of love.  Meaning, the fit of family, values, friends, history, hurts are all part of that love.  And, with it, this can make your life bliss or miserable and a total miss.

We stay in the wrong relationships because we want them to work.  It goes back to the desire to be in love, and love gives.  But what if we are giving to the wrong person?  And, what about the selfishness of wanting to be married for the sake of marriage because we want to be with someone rather than marrying for real love and the right fit?   Tough questions, tough answers.

We like to watch romantic movies (or at least I do, another confession).  But, what does unbridled, head over heels passion get us?  Happy endings in movies.  But in reality, a majority of relationships are the wrong ones.  50% of first marriages get a divorce (http://www.divorcerate.org/).  This doesn't even include all the dating relationships that break up.

What am I saying?  Never love?  Never go after that girl you are attracted to?  No, not at all.  I am saying, go after her/him with the goal of finding that right one.  We have no idea what is inside if we don't look.  And, sometimes, we do just fall in love, we couldn't help it.  But, what seems important is the commitment to yourself and to your family to find the right one, not just any one.

Black Monday

Since my blog is about food and love, this post is about love.  For all my business school friends out there, don't you remember Black Monday when so many couples broke up?  And, it was a perfect time to figure out which ones were now single because you secretly felt some disappointment when you heard they were taken?  Well, interestingly, I did ask myself at some point, I wonder if there is some stat that shows just how many breakups happen, and does it really happen after Thanksgiving?

[interject eerie music].  The stat exists.  And, the source is even better - it comes from Facebook.  Based on Facebook status updates, the number of status changes to break up dramatically increases to a peak after Thanksgiving and to another peak during Spring Break.  There could be so many explanations for why, but isn't it interesting that people think alike?  Maybe it was after arguing over who's house to go to for the holidays.  Or, someone didn't invite the other for the holidays.  Or even the new year is coming, and the last few months gave people a reason to reflect, and the reflection was: I am with the wrong person.


Interestingly, aside from Mondays, summer holidays and April Fools' Day, which are more popular days to break up, the one day that people rarely break up on is...Christmas.  Labeled as "too cruel."  Maybe people still do desire to show a little kindness -- and give some sort of gift at Christmas...

Check out the site, you really should, if you read this blog posting:
www.informationisbeautiful.net

Lastly, to all my single friends out there, we have at the very least one thing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  And, no need to listen to breakup songs.

Healing for the hurting heart

A continuation on love from Bob Moeller’s talk.  Why is a recognizing a hardened heart so important?  For one, unresolved pain will block our ability to give and receive love.  We will look to the other person to fix us.  We will step on each other’s pain for a lifetime (or choose to leave).  And, if we do marry, we may spend years feeling like we married the wrong person.

Bob had a pretty interesting insight: If we come from a troubled or dysfunctional home, 90% of us will marry our most difficult parent. 

I have definitely seen this.  Unfortunately…

Is there hope?  Yes there is!!  A softened heart is the way back.  God’s solution is to bring healing.  Bob goes into many verses.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me…He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted…” Isaiah 61:1

“I will give you a new heart and a new spirit in you.  I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26

Ask God to examine your heart (Psalm 139:23-24).  Confess every area of hardness of heart and sin to God and to someone you trust (James 5:16).  Forgive people who have damaged your heart.  Ask Him to soften and heal your heart (Psalm 51:10). 

This blog entry is for all the broken people out there in the world.  I wish the misery would stop.  We all need healing.