Why Are You Getting Married?

This summer, I am reading through a book with my small group called The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller.  It has been an engaging read so far, and interestingly, I think it has been applicable for the single and perhaps very revealing for the married.  Hopefully that means, the single will be more prepared and the married will be solving problems...today.

I thought I would just quote this passage from the book, as I think it is quite insighful.

In Western culture today, you decide to get married because you feel an attraction to the other person.  You think he or she is wonderful.  But a year or two later--or, just as often, a month or two--three things usually happen.  First, you begin to find out how selfish this wonderful person is.  Second, you discover that the wonderful person has been going through a similar experience and he or she begins to tell you how selfish you are.  And third, though you acknowledge it in part, you conclude that your spouse's selfishness is more problematic than your own.  This is especially true if you feel that you've had a hard life and have experienced a lot of hurt.  You say silently, "OK, I shouldn't do that--but you don't understand me."  The woundedness makes us minimize our own selfishness.  And that's the point at which many married couples arrive after a relatively brief period of time.

Boy, that was a dose of reality...more to come in a future post!

Better to Have Not Loved

You have heard that old saying, "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," from Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850.  My question is -- so is this really true?  I would be interested to hear your comments and perspective if you are so inclined.

Here's my take on it.  For what I have seen in life so far, I think it is better to have not loved, than to have loved the wrong person.  (And, you can quote me on this since I haven't seen this around, my name is Tina Chan).  What is my reasoning?  This might take multiple posts, but here is a start.

Everyone is looking for love.  And, everyone needs it.  However, we can fall in love with love, and many times with whomever is currently beside us or kind of likes us (a girl's confession here).  Or we do meet that "perfect" someone, but they don't love us back the way we love them.  Many times, we probably don't really know them, such as their inner workings and history, and so they become perfect in our eyes.

People fall in love before the background check.  It's easy to fall in love with only what you see and feel, but reality is part of love.  Meaning, the fit of family, values, friends, history, hurts are all part of that love.  And, with it, this can make your life bliss or miserable and a total miss.

We stay in the wrong relationships because we want them to work.  It goes back to the desire to be in love, and love gives.  But what if we are giving to the wrong person?  And, what about the selfishness of wanting to be married for the sake of marriage because we want to be with someone rather than marrying for real love and the right fit?   Tough questions, tough answers.

We like to watch romantic movies (or at least I do, another confession).  But, what does unbridled, head over heels passion get us?  Happy endings in movies.  But in reality, a majority of relationships are the wrong ones.  50% of first marriages get a divorce (http://www.divorcerate.org/).  This doesn't even include all the dating relationships that break up.

What am I saying?  Never love?  Never go after that girl you are attracted to?  No, not at all.  I am saying, go after her/him with the goal of finding that right one.  We have no idea what is inside if we don't look.  And, sometimes, we do just fall in love, we couldn't help it.  But, what seems important is the commitment to yourself and to your family to find the right one, not just any one.

How hard is your love?

Since this blog is about finding food or love, today’s posting is about love.  I went to a conference on relationships over the weekend, and it was by far, one of the most insightful I have ever experienced!  I even bought his book!  The speaker was Bob Moeller and his website is www.forkeepsministries.com.  He and his wife, Cheryl Moeller, give conferences, counseling and do speaking engagements.

A few things to ponder upon…

The heart is the heart of every relationship.  Your relationship is reflective of the state and condition of your heart.  The other person does not make up for what you lack or struggle with.  The problems or crux of relationship issues are expressed quite vividly through Jesus’ reply in this verse: “Moses permitted you divorce your wives because your hearts were hard.  But it was not this way from the beginning.” Matthew 19:8.  A heart that is hard is unable to give and to receive love.  The relationship this heart is in can be damaged…badly.  And, a relationship was not originally designed to be hurtful or damaging, and neither was a heart to be hard.

A few signs of a hard heart: living with consistent sadness or depression, feeling unusually anxious or fearful in relationships, an inability to express your deepest feelings to those closest to you, the ability to detach or emotionally disassociate from painful situations, always giving in to keep the peace, constantly performing for others to avoid their rejection, and many more.

This insight has led me to think – what is the state of my heart?  Do I see this in my own life or in the relationships around me?  How about you?