Love, what exactly are we looking for? Before tackling the how, the steps, the what to do (the parts Type A people excruciate over), it might be good to know what to look for. At the end of the day, if the person who could be a good fit for us is sitting before our eyes, maybe hanging out with our friends, or even walking by us on occasion, why in the world did we not identify this person before?! Maybe because we didn’t know what we were looking for.
For illustration on why I think this is important, take this example, in fact, one of my favorite analogies. Right now, there is a load of snow in the Midwest. I went for a walk in this knee high snow just because I could (and loved it; best exercise ever). I start to walk in the snow with my head down, watching my every step but just walking, with no goal of going to a certain spot. After a few minutes, if I turn around and look back at my footsteps, I will see footprints that zigzag in a kind of meandering pattern. I then pinpoint something in the distance, continue to walk with the focus and intention of going to that spot. After a few minutes, I turn around and look back. I see a straight path, no zigzagging around.
Such is life. Without knowledge, conscious decision of where I am going, or in this case, the kind of person I am looking for, I will likely kiss a lot of frogs, meander all over the board, and maybe even end up with a wrong fit.
I am not supporting check lists. Or strict standards. Sometimes we think we know what we are looking for, but in fact, the best thing is not on the list. Thereby, I suggest the start of knowing what to look for is yourself.
Every person is different. It may take months, if not years, and probably hardship to really know oneself. Sometimes the biggest blessings are those really rough and tumble times when we are at a total loss, feel like a failure, and have little hope. This is when we are challenged to face who we are and who we are not, and to think about how we truly see ourselves and our future. So if you find yourself in that right now, consider yourself blessed! You are going to get to know yourself.
For those who don’t face those times, just wait, yours will come. Meanwhile, take time for introspection and heart examination. I bet you will find more about yourself then you ever did if you didn’t stop to think about who you really are -- how you grew up, what excites you, what sets you off, what grudges do you hold, the meaning of life for you. Those who know themselves are more able to relate to others, and that other person can actually understand you. What they know is what you say and do. If you don’t have a good hold on yourself, how will you know that person is a good match?
Other traits worthy to look for? Someone who opens up. A person who will really talk with you, sharing themselves with you and with others, a reality you can witness. And a person who is self aware, who can humbly take criticism and apply it.
Someone who keeps his word. When people say their marriage vows, you want someone who will mean it. And, in return, you are just as committed. This also includes follow through in the everyday.
Look at the fruit of your interaction. Just because you guys can make a dinner decision together doesn’t mean you guys communicate well or that talking through a fight is indication. If you keep fighting about basically the same thing (just slight variations), most likely, something is not getting through. Words are cheap. Actions speak louder. Consistent actions are the real thing.
These are just a few things to think about.
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