Why Are You Getting Married?

This summer, I am reading through a book with my small group called The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller.  It has been an engaging read so far, and interestingly, I think it has been applicable for the single and perhaps very revealing for the married.  Hopefully that means, the single will be more prepared and the married will be solving problems...today.

I thought I would just quote this passage from the book, as I think it is quite insighful.

In Western culture today, you decide to get married because you feel an attraction to the other person.  You think he or she is wonderful.  But a year or two later--or, just as often, a month or two--three things usually happen.  First, you begin to find out how selfish this wonderful person is.  Second, you discover that the wonderful person has been going through a similar experience and he or she begins to tell you how selfish you are.  And third, though you acknowledge it in part, you conclude that your spouse's selfishness is more problematic than your own.  This is especially true if you feel that you've had a hard life and have experienced a lot of hurt.  You say silently, "OK, I shouldn't do that--but you don't understand me."  The woundedness makes us minimize our own selfishness.  And that's the point at which many married couples arrive after a relatively brief period of time.

Boy, that was a dose of reality...more to come in a future post!

Paper Airplanes

Another video done by my friend, Samantha. This one is about past relationships, folded up in paper airplanes.  Enjoy!

What to Look for in A Guy

Happy Valentine's Day! You are reading the second part of a two part series.  For Part I: What to Look for in A Girl

Yesterday, we talked about what to look for in a girl.  Today, we dig into what makes a man, especially the character qualities that make him a good husband.  Women usually have their "list" or desired "resume," but I thought it would be interesting to look at the qualities found in the love story from the book of Ruth, and see just what qualities Boaz had that made him irresistible. :)

The List.

1. A Nice Guy and has Kindness.  I don't think society praises enough the guy who is nice and who shows kindness to others.  A nice guy can be tough and steadfast on what he wants, but he is also encouraging, helpful and kind to others.  A man with kindness will treat his woman with gentleness, and their kids will grow up in a loving environment.  A guy who is arrogant, rude or angry will probably display those qualities in his family life. (Ruth 2:4, 13)

2. He is Diligent.  He works hard to provide, he does things himself, and he is someone who leads by doing not just by saying.  He is diligent to know the "state of his flocks," and he looks well to what he has and to what he is responsible for. (Ruth 3:2, Proverbs 27:23)

 

3. He is Generous.  Generosity is such a great quality because it gives love to all those around.  And, it's not giving things away for nothing, it is giving to those in need and sharing something that could really help another person. (Ruth 2:14, 15, 16)

4. He Protects. I think every woman desires a man who will protect her and look out for her. (Ruth 2:9)

5. He is Compassionate.  He feels for other people, he shows kindness to the poor, the marginalized, and looks for ways to help those in need. This probably comes with the generosity quality. (Ruth 2:8)

6. Clear on his intentions when he makes up his mind.   He also does what he intends, and does it right away.  Decisiveness and clarity are important in family life, the working world and social circles.  A guy who tries his best to hone these skills should be admired. (Ruth 3:15, 17, 18) 

7. Transparent and upfront.  When handling things, he does what is right.  He doesn’t try to short cut or deceive.  He has strategy and executes with integrity. (Ruth 3:12, 4:1, 4:4)

These are some admirable qualities to have, and the hope for all of us is that these qualities can be developed if we put our minds to it.  If you are a woman and find a man like this, he may be worth taking a risk for.  However, we all need to be reminded that a good catch is also looking for a good match.  So, this may be just as important, if not more, that we work on ourselves to be prepared for that special opportunity.

What to Look for in A Girl

Last year, I posted a 4-part series on Finding Love, starting with Finding Love: the who.  This year, I would like to expound on the actual character qualities to look for and to treasure in both genders.  If you already are in a relationship or are married, then these are probably just as relevant since you can see how you measure up! 

So fellas, what qualities should you look for in a girl?  What qualities will make her a good wife? It's not easy finding a girl, especially one who has a list of virtuous qualities.  This is why her price is far above rubies, and finding her is like finding a treasure.  Btw, this is not a list that I came up with, these are qualities described in Proverbs 31: The Virtuous Woman.

The List.

1. She is diligent, diligent, diligent.  If your woman is not diligent, boy you probably will be facing a lot of heartache, and she will be expensive because you will have to pay for what she doesn't do (or be tired and do it yourself).  (Proverbs 31:13, 18, 27)

2. Provides food for her family even if difficult or is far away.  She is a provider, rather than one who depends on the guy to do the work that she could be doing. (Proverbs 31:14)

3. Doesn’t think only about herself but for the welfare of her family.  As with any leader, good decisions made are usually best for the group and not for him/herself. (Proverbs 31:15)

4. She can labor.  It comes with the diligence. (Proverbs 31:17) 

5. She has compassion for those in need.  She reaches out her hand to them. (Proverbs 31:20)

6. She is confident in her preparation. (Proverbs 31:21)

7. She is good at business and real estate.  She will be profitable to you. (Proverbs 31:16, 24)
 
8. She acts with wisdom. (Proverbs 31:26)

9. She speaks with kindness. (Proverbs 31:26)

The above list is a high bar.  And, as women, we only can keep working on ourselves to aspire towards this.  But, if you are a guy and can find a woman with many of these qualities, better not delay in an efficient market. She will do you good and not evil all the days of her life.

At Your Door

Time is flying by and I have been crazy busy!  But alas, we are now in February, and with Valentines' Day coming up, it's time for one of Finding Food or Love's favorite topics - LOVE!  (hence the name)

I have a good friend, Samantha Lee, who I have had the pleasure of working with on some videos.  She writes poetry and one of her recent poems and now videos is called At Your Door.  I actually helped her film this video, which was a lot of fun and I have discovered how much I like the creative side!  Take a look, it's about love that one person feels, but the other does not agree.  An ever continuing conundrum for those who are single, the ones who you like, don't like you.  And the ones who like you, you just don't feel the same about.

So the search for love continues....

Video: At your door, poetry by Samantha Lee

Red Flags Before Marriage - Part II

Part II. To read first part: Red Flags Before Marriage - Part I

Continuing on about red flags before marriage we should not ignore.  We should never marry unless we are willing to put the needs of others above our own.  As a single person, it is really easy to think how being with this other person will make ME happy, ME not lonely, and ME feel loved.  Although we all need these things and "receive" in a relationship, it can't be about ME if we want a truly loving, lasting relationship.  The other person can't be our servant.  It won't work, as many married people say.  To love is to sacrifice, which the movies don't focus on or emphasize enough.  Sacrifice is never  easy.



The four red flags I noted in the previous post can also be found in verses in Proverbs.

A fool hath no delight in understanding, but that his heart may express itself. (Proverbs 18:2). This kind of person is only interested in expressing him/her -self.

As the door turns upon his hinges, so doth the slothful upon his bed. (Proverbs 26:14)  This is the lazy.  Isn't the imagery great??  

The sluggard is wiser in his own conceit than seven men that can render a reason. (Proverbs 26:16).  Sanity is the ability to know who we really are.

See a man wise in his own conceit? there is more hope of a fool than of him. (Proverbs 26:12)  The fool won't be open to hearing about his/her faults because he/she thinks he is wiser than you are.  This is life in a bubble.



So, where does this leave us...Where is our hope for making due with what we have or making us better?


1) Understand one another.  Nagging won't do it, and neither will judging.  No one can change another person.  Let God do it.  Accept your mate and gain unity.  Be willing to sacrifice, giving up all your rights to get over conflict.  This is not speaking of an abusive relationship.  An abusive relationship needs help immediately.

2) Get on the same page morally, spiritually and goals. Sympathize with one another.  Be quick to admit your wrong and ask for forgiveness.

3) Do not render evil for evil in the marriage relationship or any relationship.  People are more anxious to get even than to glorify God in a relationship.  This probably ties to the whole sacrifice concept - even when we have a right to get even, if we truly want this relationship to work out, we are willing to put aside those rights and seek for resolution or better understanding.


Sources:
Red Flags You Probably Missed - Dr. Erwin Lutzer

Red Flags Before Marriage - Part I

What are some red flags that we should have seen in a dating relationship before we headed down the aisle? What wisdom can we learn to avoid heading into such disasters?  (Remember, more than 50% of couples divorce, which probably means that more than 50% of us need more guidance).

When I heard these questions asked, my ears perked up, and I turned up the volume.  Free, wise advice is always a bargain.  The advice is not my own, but that of Dr. Erwin Lutzer and here are some notes with a few of my thoughts...

First off, the red flags were ignored.  Meaning that the people who shared their marriage stories he refers to felt something deep down, but never acted upon it or wrote it off in their mind for some reason (perhaps reasoning that they needed to get married now so this was it, or I'm in love, or we've been together for so long...).  I also have to caveat that we all have red flags, and whoever marries us has to overlook that of ours.  Further, we may even possess some of the following traits to some degree.  However, isn't it better to identify and deal with ourselves first (which takes humility) and become a better person to live with?  Then, we can see our situations with more awareness and not overlook important issues.  So, here we go, a few red flags to look for...

1. The narcissist. Enamored by his/her own image, self absorbed, never apologizes for something, always the other person's fault.  Talks about himself/herself a lot.  Or it's always around his work, his schedule.  He/she only cares about you in the dating relationship because of what he/she wants to get.

2. More interested in your physique or how you look or than you as a person.  Shows no sympathy for your hurt or pain, or anyone else's for that matter.  Completely insensitive while dating.  Falling in love with someone's body--that will deteriorate, but falling in love with the person, that will grow.

3. An angry person. Angry people can sometimes be charmers or affirming during the dating relationship.  Sometimes comes out as cynicism.  Don't ignore deep seeded anger if it surfaces.  Initial charm could be a cover for deeper abusive behavior later.

4. Lazy person. Thinks that the world owes him/her a living and blames everything but himself/herself for faults. Also thinks that the world does not appreciate her/him and is still waiting for the world to come around to realize how great of a person he/she is.  One woman said she married the man she dated, saw the laziness beforehand but brushed it aside.  She thought he would change after the "I do."   

Stay tuned for Part II with what to do.

Sources:
Red Flags You Probably Missed - Dr. Erwin Lutzer
Picture: http://blog.redfin.com/

Marriage Advice

Earlier this summer, I went to a casual talk and heard some really great advice on life, and in particular, about marriage and what to consider when choosing a life partner.  I think the advice is as sobering for those who are already married, since marriage has so many facets, phases, and challenges. I sat there, feeling like I was drinking out of a fire hose.  The talk was also beyond just marriage, and journeyed through a man's life from when he was a boy to where he is today.  I have the link for the video below.  For those who want a preview, I wrote out a few points below (primarily on the marriage advice part)...

• Insight: you can fall in love with someone whom you should NOT marry.
• Don’t ever marry someone on a promise for what they are going to change.  Going to be a better person, become a hard worker, not be lazy. They need to be successfully dealing with it today.  
• Look for a zeal in life.  Their outlook in life will greatly impact you and your future with that person.  If a man or woman is not actively improving whatever area - providing for a living, taking care of immediate family, etc. - it probably won't be that way in the future.  Don’t marry on the promise.  [However, I would conjecture that this is separate from marrying someone because you see potential, such as you think his character will make him great or something happens that sets her back, but she is facing and dealing with it].
• If you are in a relationship because you don’t think you can do better or "reason" yourself through why you should be with the person rather than why you can’t live without the person, then you are probably in the wrong relationship.
• Know yourself in order to deal with the brokenness in your family and in your potential someone’s family.  If you don’t know yourself and (or can't accept) where you came from, your background, your upbringing and parents, then you won't be able to deal with the brokenness of the other person.

These are only tidbits; the vimeo video link is below.  The speaker is Pastor Erwin Lutzer from Moody Church in Chicago, IL.

The Life Story of Pastor Erwin Lutzer

Working the Room

Boy oh boy, I was just perusing my blog posts over the last few months and I have written NOTHING on relationships.  I have had requests (love you guys!), but finding it difficult to write or get to a point that makes sense, so have been putting this off.  However, now, I think it is time to put something out there on relationships! 

Last night I went out with a couple of friends to a happy hour.  We walk in late (what else is new), scan the room, and see if anybody looks interesting enough to stay for the event (don't laugh, I bet you have done the same).  You see a few people wrapped up in conversations.  Some people at the bar are trying to look the part.  Others are huddled with their buddies because talking to strangers can be overly unnerving. 

So, wouldn't it be interesting to know just how the girls work the room as it compares to how the guys work their way around?  And, by the end of the evening, who reaches their goals, and how did they measure their success?  I think if both sexes can figure this out, couples would be coming out of the woodwork! (haha, if only it were that simple).

As the girl, it depends on how ambitious I feel that night.  It may be easier to just hang with my girlfriends, but it makes it difficult to meet new guys, especially if the guys are a bit shy.  I think for both male and female, it's all about getting into conversations or knowing someone there so you have an easier opportunity to.  After you start having some trouble getting into conversations, you go back to your girlfriends as home base.  I think the same strategy works for the guys, more or less.  But this time I had no girlfriends as backups since my friends were guys, and therein, is where I think the silver bullet lies. 

If girls walk in to the event with guys, the only drawback is that the people in the room might think this threesome or foursome are taken, but once you go off and try to talk with various people, the benefit really kicks in.  If you are a girl, and want to crack into a group of standing guys, your guy friend will make a natural introduction, and when your guy friend wants to meet that group of cute girls, you can create a natural segway to introduce him.

And what about achieving one's goals?  That is all determinant on personal preference.  But from what I gather, guys do pretty well if he gets her phone number (one friend was successful last night!).  And, I think for girls, if you meet an attractive guy, it's pretty good if you gave your phone number or got his.  [We'll keep this post rated PG].  But, I think for most, having the option to get in touch again through exchanging contact information means that at least there is the possibility of seeing each other again. 

And, the rest may or may not be history.

Black Monday

Since my blog is about food and love, this post is about love.  For all my business school friends out there, don't you remember Black Monday when so many couples broke up?  And, it was a perfect time to figure out which ones were now single because you secretly felt some disappointment when you heard they were taken?  Well, interestingly, I did ask myself at some point, I wonder if there is some stat that shows just how many breakups happen, and does it really happen after Thanksgiving?

[interject eerie music].  The stat exists.  And, the source is even better - it comes from Facebook.  Based on Facebook status updates, the number of status changes to break up dramatically increases to a peak after Thanksgiving and to another peak during Spring Break.  There could be so many explanations for why, but isn't it interesting that people think alike?  Maybe it was after arguing over who's house to go to for the holidays.  Or, someone didn't invite the other for the holidays.  Or even the new year is coming, and the last few months gave people a reason to reflect, and the reflection was: I am with the wrong person.


Interestingly, aside from Mondays, summer holidays and April Fools' Day, which are more popular days to break up, the one day that people rarely break up on is...Christmas.  Labeled as "too cruel."  Maybe people still do desire to show a little kindness -- and give some sort of gift at Christmas...

Check out the site, you really should, if you read this blog posting:
www.informationisbeautiful.net

Lastly, to all my single friends out there, we have at the very least one thing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.  And, no need to listen to breakup songs.

How hard is your love?

Since this blog is about finding food or love, today’s posting is about love.  I went to a conference on relationships over the weekend, and it was by far, one of the most insightful I have ever experienced!  I even bought his book!  The speaker was Bob Moeller and his website is www.forkeepsministries.com.  He and his wife, Cheryl Moeller, give conferences, counseling and do speaking engagements.

A few things to ponder upon…

The heart is the heart of every relationship.  Your relationship is reflective of the state and condition of your heart.  The other person does not make up for what you lack or struggle with.  The problems or crux of relationship issues are expressed quite vividly through Jesus’ reply in this verse: “Moses permitted you divorce your wives because your hearts were hard.  But it was not this way from the beginning.” Matthew 19:8.  A heart that is hard is unable to give and to receive love.  The relationship this heart is in can be damaged…badly.  And, a relationship was not originally designed to be hurtful or damaging, and neither was a heart to be hard.

A few signs of a hard heart: living with consistent sadness or depression, feeling unusually anxious or fearful in relationships, an inability to express your deepest feelings to those closest to you, the ability to detach or emotionally disassociate from painful situations, always giving in to keep the peace, constantly performing for others to avoid their rejection, and many more.

This insight has led me to think – what is the state of my heart?  Do I see this in my own life or in the relationships around me?  How about you?