What to Look for in A Guy

Happy Valentine's Day! You are reading the second part of a two part series.  For Part I: What to Look for in A Girl

Yesterday, we talked about what to look for in a girl.  Today, we dig into what makes a man, especially the character qualities that make him a good husband.  Women usually have their "list" or desired "resume," but I thought it would be interesting to look at the qualities found in the love story from the book of Ruth, and see just what qualities Boaz had that made him irresistible. :)

The List.

1. A Nice Guy and has Kindness.  I don't think society praises enough the guy who is nice and who shows kindness to others.  A nice guy can be tough and steadfast on what he wants, but he is also encouraging, helpful and kind to others.  A man with kindness will treat his woman with gentleness, and their kids will grow up in a loving environment.  A guy who is arrogant, rude or angry will probably display those qualities in his family life. (Ruth 2:4, 13)

2. He is Diligent.  He works hard to provide, he does things himself, and he is someone who leads by doing not just by saying.  He is diligent to know the "state of his flocks," and he looks well to what he has and to what he is responsible for. (Ruth 3:2, Proverbs 27:23)

 

3. He is Generous.  Generosity is such a great quality because it gives love to all those around.  And, it's not giving things away for nothing, it is giving to those in need and sharing something that could really help another person. (Ruth 2:14, 15, 16)

4. He Protects. I think every woman desires a man who will protect her and look out for her. (Ruth 2:9)

5. He is Compassionate.  He feels for other people, he shows kindness to the poor, the marginalized, and looks for ways to help those in need. This probably comes with the generosity quality. (Ruth 2:8)

6. Clear on his intentions when he makes up his mind.   He also does what he intends, and does it right away.  Decisiveness and clarity are important in family life, the working world and social circles.  A guy who tries his best to hone these skills should be admired. (Ruth 3:15, 17, 18) 

7. Transparent and upfront.  When handling things, he does what is right.  He doesn’t try to short cut or deceive.  He has strategy and executes with integrity. (Ruth 3:12, 4:1, 4:4)

These are some admirable qualities to have, and the hope for all of us is that these qualities can be developed if we put our minds to it.  If you are a woman and find a man like this, he may be worth taking a risk for.  However, we all need to be reminded that a good catch is also looking for a good match.  So, this may be just as important, if not more, that we work on ourselves to be prepared for that special opportunity.

What to Look for in A Girl

Last year, I posted a 4-part series on Finding Love, starting with Finding Love: the who.  This year, I would like to expound on the actual character qualities to look for and to treasure in both genders.  If you already are in a relationship or are married, then these are probably just as relevant since you can see how you measure up! 

So fellas, what qualities should you look for in a girl?  What qualities will make her a good wife? It's not easy finding a girl, especially one who has a list of virtuous qualities.  This is why her price is far above rubies, and finding her is like finding a treasure.  Btw, this is not a list that I came up with, these are qualities described in Proverbs 31: The Virtuous Woman.

The List.

1. She is diligent, diligent, diligent.  If your woman is not diligent, boy you probably will be facing a lot of heartache, and she will be expensive because you will have to pay for what she doesn't do (or be tired and do it yourself).  (Proverbs 31:13, 18, 27)

2. Provides food for her family even if difficult or is far away.  She is a provider, rather than one who depends on the guy to do the work that she could be doing. (Proverbs 31:14)

3. Doesn’t think only about herself but for the welfare of her family.  As with any leader, good decisions made are usually best for the group and not for him/herself. (Proverbs 31:15)

4. She can labor.  It comes with the diligence. (Proverbs 31:17) 

5. She has compassion for those in need.  She reaches out her hand to them. (Proverbs 31:20)

6. She is confident in her preparation. (Proverbs 31:21)

7. She is good at business and real estate.  She will be profitable to you. (Proverbs 31:16, 24)
 
8. She acts with wisdom. (Proverbs 31:26)

9. She speaks with kindness. (Proverbs 31:26)

The above list is a high bar.  And, as women, we only can keep working on ourselves to aspire towards this.  But, if you are a guy and can find a woman with many of these qualities, better not delay in an efficient market. She will do you good and not evil all the days of her life.

Finding Love, the who

Part IV, the Final.  For Part I: Finding Love, the start

V-Day is here.  Happy Valentine’s Day!  If you have been following the other postings to my finding love series, you have been thinking about the love question for a few days now.  If you find yourself celebrating Valentine’s Day with a special someone--or not, it’s good to be prepared--here’s a question: How do you know that you have found that right person?  If you are married, the question doesn’t really apply because you already made your commitment (and I feel so sorry for those who are in tough marriages...I could not imagine.  Nevertheless, we must own up to what we chose; otherwise, the lesson will repeat).

We all want more happiness and less misery.  So, for that special someone, how do you know?  Side: I still want to see that movie... 

Since the answer to the “how do you know” question would lead a person to make probably the biggest commitment of his/her life, we better put some real thought into our answer.  For the guy who is even remotely thinking of popping the question, and for the girl who sees this as a serious relationship.

I think we can all agree that this question is tough to answer because so many factors are at play.  However, here are a few thoughts, perhaps obvious or perhaps something to consider.

Every couple resides in society.  Meaning that they can’t cut themselves off from the world.  Close and trusting relationships with family and certain friends, as much as able, are indication if the match seems to fit.  If we think about it, the wedding is about gathering family and friends, when people have children it’s about family, holidays are about family (or at least a call), even the “–in law” suffix is permanent for immediate family members, and to really enjoy the blessings of peace and harmony within your new family is directly tied to what you bring in, that is, what you experienced in your original families and how you relate to them.

Chemistry, laughter, contentment.  The chemistry varies for every person or couple, but there still needs to be some version of fireworks.  Otherwise what’s the difference from a really good friend?  When speaking of contentment, not talking about you now having someone for yourself, but about an inner contentment with yourself, with how you view yourself, and with what you have.  What about laughter?  Well, if you can’t be happy before marriage, how in the world will you get through the inevitable hard times in marriage?

Money is attributed as the number one reason for divorce.  You both have to share the same views on money – not just in words, but in action.  For this, I think you need to see it, to believe it.

Lastly, how do you know she is right for you?  Test her.  Test him on things important to him and see his reaction.  Unannounced, unplanned, surprise situations can reveal a great deal about a person.  Don’t put aside the possibility of finding something that could be potentially lifesaving.

V-Day will come and go, as it does every year.  And, for people in dating relationships, it hopefully will be a time to think about their relationship.  Interestingly, many people around this time do reassess, because after Valentine’s Day up till Spring Break time, the number of break-ups will hit an annual peak (the other is right before the winter holiday).  Real numbers actually show this phenomenon.  They come from Facebook status updates (surprise!).  If you haven’t read, check out my previous blog post, Black Monday, for more detail.

Be happy, we all have something going for us.


Source of picture: 420 heart of fruits.  www.aarp.org

Finding Love, the where

Part III.  For Part I: Finding Love, the start
 
Where do we go to find love?  Oh man, the question that people who have yet to fall in love probably obsess over.  Just where do I go to find this person?  Wouldn’t it be great if there were some Foursquare, Facebook Places or SCVNGR game that we could play to find our love??  Games + relationships.  Badges to unlock.  Challenges to do or give.  Location based meetups.  This could be a really cool startup idea!  Haha, if you find this interesting, send me an email at findfoodlove@gmail.com.  We can talk startups!

One would think that there are so many opportunities to meet people.  Your childhood, school, interest groups, church, friends of friends, family friends, study abroad, vacationing, people you work with, people you meet…but yet with all these different possibilities, for some reason, it seems difficult to meet someone who you can connect with on all fronts (or even good friends for that matter).

School seems like a good place to meet someone.  People are around the same age, lots of social events, and people have a little more flexibility with their time especially during breaks (though barring med school).  Going into business school, I thought the prospects of meeting someone would be very high.  The person would be somewhat filtered, probably possess similar priorities in life, and the female percentage is like 30% (what better stats than that?!).  Granted, there are people who do meet their special someone in b-school (yea!), but anecdotally, it seems that many singles, especially women, do not come out marrying someone from business school. 

A friend recently sent over an interesting article asking why are there so many single ladies in b-school?  (for full disclosure, this friend is a guy who did not go to b-school, as far as I know, and says he has other buddies who have similar observations).  The article is attached below, and one major reason it suggests--and that most guess--is that these women are too focused on career (and you probably can apply this context to any woman pursuing graduate studies). 

Well, I mean, if you go to business school, you probably do want to do something in and with your career, right?  It only makes sense.  But, the discussion does bring up a valid point that women SEEM aggressive, not willing to follow men, and would choose career rather than settle down with a family.  All valid points to a degree, of course depends on the person, but I think as women, we should really consider the perception we give. 

But, on the other hand, I think men need to consider this point.  If she isn’t married, then she can’t have kids (or at least, that’s not plan A), and what if no one comes around?  She will be on her own and she has to sustain herself financially and socially.  In many ways, even for those who do marry, there still will be times of loneliness, of not being understood or not provided for.  

Back to the where question—I guess there really is no one place to meet someone even when it seems to make a lot of sense.  But no matter what our status, I think good things will come if we stay social, care for others, show care to our family, friends, strangers, and believe that we are looking for a good fit, not just any fit.

With that said, here is a brainstorm of possible ways we could meet that right person, or even platonic friends.  Not comprehensive at all, as online dating is always an option.

1) Join groups where people know each other. They would then be more likely to introduce you to people whom you can get to know.  Associations, professional groups, church groups, religious gatherings, volunteer organizations that interact with other people.  Or, maybe it's time to mix up our groups and go where we don’t know people.  Maybe I should take my own advice…

2) Talk to people.  People do help other people, and they might have ideas for you.  Ask, and ye shall find.  Don’t ask and don’t find.

3) Meetups.  By interests, by activities.  Grubwithus.com might be an idea.  You have dinner with a group of strangers.  The startup recently became a Y Combinator startup.  Outdoor activities that rotate players could be interesting.  Exercise classes, going to matches or competitions with friends - the person competing could have different circles of friends.  If you go to a party, I find it's not just about "being" at the parties or going to places.  It's more about interacting with people and meeting through a conversation.  I have been to parties where all the people who know each other just keep talking to each other.  It’s easier, and sometimes it’s good to do it, but maybe it’s time to put in that extra bit of effort.

4) Old friends.  So, here's one that could be really interesting.  People you grew up with or have known for a long time, but never dated because it never came up due to timing or something.  Time does tell.

Article “All the Single Ladies?”:
http://www.whartonjournal.com/perspectives/all-the-single-ladies-1.1964283

Finding Love, the next

Part II.  For Part I go here: Finding Love, the start

Love, what exactly are we looking for?  Before tackling the how, the steps, the what to do (the parts Type A people excruciate over), it might be good to know what to look for.  At the end of the day, if the person who could be a good fit for us is sitting before our eyes, maybe hanging out with our friends, or even walking by us on occasion, why in the world did we not identify this person before?!  Maybe because we didn’t know what we were looking for. 

For illustration on why I think this is important, take this example, in fact, one of my favorite analogies.  Right now, there is a load of snow in the Midwest.  I went for a walk in this knee high snow just because I could (and loved it; best exercise ever).  I start to walk in the snow with my head down, watching my every step but just walking, with no goal of going to a certain spot.  After a few minutes, if I turn around and look back at my footsteps, I will see footprints that zigzag in a kind of meandering pattern.  I then pinpoint something in the distance, continue to walk with the focus and intention of going to that spot.  After a few minutes, I turn around and look back.  I see a straight path, no zigzagging around. 

Such is life.  Without knowledge, conscious decision of where I am going, or in this case, the kind of person I am looking for, I will likely kiss a lot of frogs, meander all over the board, and maybe even end up with a wrong fit. 

I am not supporting check lists.  Or strict standards.  Sometimes we think we know what we are looking for, but in fact, the best thing is not on the list.  Thereby, I suggest the start of knowing what to look for is yourself. 

Every person is different.  It may take months, if not years, and probably hardship to really know oneself.  Sometimes the biggest blessings are those really rough and tumble times when we are at a total loss, feel like a failure, and have little hope.  This is when we are challenged to face who we are and who we are not, and to think about how we truly see ourselves and our future.  So if you find yourself in that right now, consider yourself blessed!  You are going to get to know yourself.

For those who don’t face those times, just wait, yours will come.  Meanwhile, take time for introspection and heart examination.  I bet you will find more about yourself then you ever did if you didn’t stop to think about who you really are -- how you grew up, what excites you, what sets you off, what grudges do you hold, the meaning of life for you.  Those who know themselves are more able to relate to others, and that other person can actually understand you.  What they know is what you say and do.  If you don’t have a good hold on yourself, how will you know that person is a good match?

Other traits worthy to look for?  Someone who opens up.  A person who will really talk with you, sharing themselves with you and with others, a reality you can witness.  And a person who is self aware, who can humbly take criticism and apply it.

Someone who keeps his word.  When people say their marriage vows, you want someone who will mean it.  And, in return, you are just as committed.  This also includes follow through in the everyday.

Look at the fruit of your interaction.  Just because you guys can make a dinner decision together doesn’t mean you guys communicate well or that talking through a fight is indication.  If you keep fighting about basically the same thing (just slight variations), most likely, something is not getting through.  Words are cheap.  Actions speak louder.  Consistent actions are the real thing.

These are just a few things to think about.

Healing for the hurting heart

A continuation on love from Bob Moeller’s talk.  Why is a recognizing a hardened heart so important?  For one, unresolved pain will block our ability to give and receive love.  We will look to the other person to fix us.  We will step on each other’s pain for a lifetime (or choose to leave).  And, if we do marry, we may spend years feeling like we married the wrong person.

Bob had a pretty interesting insight: If we come from a troubled or dysfunctional home, 90% of us will marry our most difficult parent. 

I have definitely seen this.  Unfortunately…

Is there hope?  Yes there is!!  A softened heart is the way back.  God’s solution is to bring healing.  Bob goes into many verses.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me…He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted…” Isaiah 61:1

“I will give you a new heart and a new spirit in you.  I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26

Ask God to examine your heart (Psalm 139:23-24).  Confess every area of hardness of heart and sin to God and to someone you trust (James 5:16).  Forgive people who have damaged your heart.  Ask Him to soften and heal your heart (Psalm 51:10). 

This blog entry is for all the broken people out there in the world.  I wish the misery would stop.  We all need healing.